Towards a healthier me

I have struggled with my weight all my life. I was chubby in Primary school, and through High School. I did lose 20 kg's during my senior years at school. I looked and felt great, but I worked hard to get there. 1 - 2 hours of exercise a day. Lots of points counting. I kept most of the weight off for a few years.

 I can't say I've tried every diet though, because I have always known that for me a 'diet' where I take away entire food groups would not work for me. I did try the Tony Ferguson shakes at one point. I was so hungry by the end of the week I would have happily eaten my own arm.

I have done some pretty full on personal training in the past. I worked so hard, yet the weight didn't come off very fast. I did get fit though, very fit. My personal trainer was puzzled. She couldn't quite work out why the weight wasn't shifting. I wasn't eating bad, and was working so hard. A trip to a dietitian was ordered. There I was told I had a slow metabolism and was a little insulin resistant. Nothing much could be done other than keep trying. I kept going until after my wedding. Then I stopped.

I was tired of caring. Tired of counting everything that went into my mouth. Tired of a life of restriction and worry. So I ate what I wanted. I ate too much. Exercised too little. My clothing size increased.

I fell pregnant. I was happy that I didn't put too much weight on through it. Until I went on maternity leave. The searing heat combined with incredible heartburn led to me eating too many ice creams and milkshakes. I had Abbie and sadly realized it wasn't all baby (she was only 6 pounds after all), it was mostly me! Boo!


I tried Weight Watchers. I did well for awhile, I lost 10 kg's, but I had about another 30 to lose. Then I just stopped. I again became tired of caring. What I didn't know was that life had some other plans.

I started getting a pain in my right leg. I thought it was shin splints or a muscle cramp from wearing shoes that were too flat and thin. I ignored it. The pain became worse. I still assumed it was a cramp and I popped painkillers. Until I could barely stand without being in incredible pain. Sitting caused pain. Sleep was non existent.  I even went and had a leg massage.

Finally I went to the doctor. After a series of tests I was diagnosed with a blood clot. A large clot that extended from behind my knee. I was put on injection and blood thinners. Most of all I was scared. I realised I could have caused a heart attack or a stroke (especially after having the massage, I think my doctor nearly fainted when I told her I did this).

After a trip to the specialist I was forced to face reality. I needed to lose weight. I needed to get healthy. I had a family history of diabetes and was heading towards being diabetic myself. My chances of more clots are higher with the more weight I carry. The specialist pointed out it wasn't about not being attractive  it wasn't about aesthetics  It was about being there to watch my daughter grow up. Really, what better motivation is there?

I have joined Curves and go 3 times a week. I like it because it is quick, it monitors how hard I work and gives me feedback. I have cut back on bread and pasta. I eat salads as often as possible. Snack on fruit and cottage cheese. I am feeling good. Great in fact

I realised that this time it is different. I haven't set myself a goal weight, although I would like to fit into a size 14 eventually.  I have no set time to achieve this. I am not focusing on a number on the scales. My goal is just to be healthy. Eat well. Drink water. Exercise often.

 I have no goal in mind other than living a long, full, healthy life.

I am working towards a healthier me. I am happy.

I heart my body!

I have not always had an easy relationship with my body. I have not always felt comfortable in my own skin. There have been times that I have raged at my appearance in the mirror. I have loathed photos of myself and am absent from many.I have mostly felt pretty let down and betrayed by it. It always has seemed to work against me. My weight has always fluctuated, my body seems to punish me when I indulge by instantly slamming on the weight. It has then been slow in taking that weight, which went on so quickly, off again.

As the years have ticked by these moments have lessened.

I asked myself if there was a moment that I loved my body. There was one moment that I thought of instantly

The day that I gave birth to my daughter..

The loathing I have felt for my body was replaced by awe and pride after I had my daughter.

As soon as I went into labour my body took over. I had a very smooth labour, with my daughter being born within 5 hours and I only ended up using gas. No, I don't mean to gloat (my friend often mutters 'bitch', in a very loving way, when I talk about my smooth labour) I am just in awe of this. I thought I would not cope with the pain, I feared that I would be in labour for a long time, and agonised over the thought that something could go wrong.

 I started to appreciate my woman's body for the amazing thing it just accomplished. My body, the same one that I have felt had let me down, had carried my healthy daughter for 9 months. It helped grow her, accommodate her and nurture her during that time. It went on to birth her.
.

When I look at my body I still see the stretch marks. I still see the large thighs, the love handles, the fat on my back. I still at times dislike what I see. However I appreciate and love my body for what it helped give me. I am a little kinder to myself.

A few months after I gave birth I briefly lamented to my Husband that I had more stretchmarks than ever before my tummy was still soft and squishy and I was larger than ever. He looked at me and told me that he loved it just as it was. Most of all because what all those things meant. They meant that I had had a child, his child, and he loved me and my body for that more than anything.

He was right. That is something worthy of loving yourself for.

I look at my daughter everyday and remind myself that she came from me. I know I can proudly say ...

I HEART MY BODY

I love that it carried and delivered my beautiful Daughter
I love that my Husband thinks it's beautiful, and admires it for giving him his Daughter
I love that I am feeling more secure in my own skin as I am getting older

A Revelation

Starting this blog has been a revelation for both of us. Being 'big girls' we have often had times when we felt unattractive. I know that all women feel this, but I think when you are plus size it is heightened. Trying on new clothing hasn't always been a positive experience. It has always been crushing when you try on clothing after clothing to find nothing that fits. Going into shops to discover they have nothing available in your size. Walking past more than half the shops in a shopping centre because there is no point in entering it.Clothing that is badly cut, with no consideration of a plus sized figure. Even when it is marked as 'your size'.

 I always have a real problem with arms. Seriously, it seems that sometimes they forget to up size the arms from a size 10 to 18. Many times I have attempted to try on a top that looks like it would fit perfectly. Except I couldn't get my arms through the holes. Or worse, I DO squeeze my arms through the holes, but they are so tight the circulation gets cut off. I then have an 'episode' in the change-room as I attempt to get my arms back out. Head covered by the top, I start to tug it off. Only to find my arms are firmly wedged in the holes. More tugging occurs, with the top still around my head. I start to get claustrophobic and hyperventilate. I have to pull the top back over my head to take in some fresh air before I re-start operation 'get the bloody thing off' again. Thankfully the top eventually comes off. The worst part though is I am left feeling humiliated and filled with self loathing. I especially feel angry that the retailer didn't consider the fact that a woman that is a size 16+ may be so all over, including the friggen arms.

Recently much of this is starting to change. Many retailers are seeing the market for plus size women in Australia. Finally my sister and I, and many other plus sized women, are able to find well cut beautiful clothing THAT FITS. It's still not perfect, there is still a long way to go. However it is a start. Starting this blog has linked us up to many other plus sized blogs. Through them we are becoming exposed to other brands, styles and outfits that we otherwise wouldn't have known. We are becoming inspired by the other beautiful curvy ladies, seeing that plus size does not have to mean unfashionable. In fact, in some cases it can mean fashion forward. Most of all, we have started to feel good about ourselves. We often say to each other 'Did you read that comment about how nice we looked?' and 'That person said she liked my outfit'. We are starting to see ourselves in a new light. We are starting to feel attractive. We are taking care in our appearance. Most of all we are liking what we see. We still may want to be thinner. We still may hunger to be a few sizes smaller. However, we are also starting to love ourselves more. Maybe one day we will be thinner, but right now we are learning to love the bodies that we are in.

 It has been a revelation, and we are loving it.