Image Map

Tuesday, 3 September 2013

Aussie Curves - Vulnerable Side

I think that as a plus size woman there are many things I could say I am vulnerable about. Hell, I think that applies for women in general. We live in a society where the bar is so high for what is considered beautiful & successful it is hard not to feel inadequate.

One thing that makes me feel so vulnerable is seeing photos of myself. I often see pictures after an event and think 'Is that really how I look?'. My eyes always look to small, my chins too many, my arms too flabby, but ass too big. It is difficult to see and I end up feeling vulnerable. Yet I don't think any of this would change if I was any thinner. In fact, I know it wouldn't.

This weekend my Husband and I hosted a joint 30th. In the lead up to it I put together a slide show with photos of us from childhood to present day. What was most sobering is seeing pictures of myself from my teenage years and through my early - mid 20's. I was dieting through most of that time. I never felt good enough. I hated photos of myself and felt every bit as fat as I still do to this day. Yet the pictures now tell me a different story

The pictures show me that I was never as fat as I thought I was. That I was beautiful. That I was fine the way I was.

Hindsight is a bitch.

Sadly, the photos also showed me slowing getting bigger. After years of pressuring myself I reached a point where I threw my hands in the air and started being unhealthy. I felt like I was never going to get 'thin' (Never realising I wasn't 'fat' in the first place) so why bother. Regrettably though, I punished myself with food, almost challenging myself to eat the things that I had spent a life depriving myself of. I especially blew up during my pregnancy with my daughter. I realised that I wasn't any happier eating this way though and went back to my usual mostly healthy eating habits, but by then the 'damage' was done.

 I avoided having photos with my daughter at first, partly because of my size and partly because of an awful case of hives I developed post birth. I still rarely take a photo with my daughter, and find that people often don't bother taking photos of me with her either.  I regret this so much though, as I am missing from the documentation of my daughter's life. My Sister in Law will feature more heavily in photos with my daughter than I will.

One of the few photos I have from the first few weeks of my daughters life

I am already taking steps to change this. Starting this blog was the first step. Thinking about how I look, and appreciating myself is the next. Each week I take part in a challenge I am pushing my own vulnerability. I am posting photos for the world to see. Yet I am seeing myself clearer than I ever have before.

Before I fell pregnant I went to see a dietitian, especially after a dangerous health scare where my weight was a contributing factor. I accepted that my problem with my weight was in my mind more than anything else. I have continued to see her through the pregnancy, with the aim of not putting on any further excess weight. I have made breakthroughs regarding my relationship with food, as well as discovering some medical reasons for why I have always found it such a battle to lose any weight once put on. I am feeling in control for the first time ever. 

I am shedding my vulnerability. I am becoming stronger and happier. I am starting to love the woman that I am, and am realising I don't need to punish, or soothe, myself with food.

I am loved, I am beautiful as I am, and I am starting to see myself more clearly than ever before.


  1. Your whole post is so true and so common. society pushes us to be something only 2% ever will be. its unrealistic & has left generations of women feeling inadequate and hating themselves.
    I think a realisation of this is necessary for change and the sooner you realise this (which u have from reading this) then the sooner you can continue to live your life without looking back & regretting how much pressure you put on yourself.
    Take more photos of you with your daughter and your husband...all your loved ones! Photos are memories frozen in time!

    Sorry about blabbering on. i just like this post, it makes me feel really passionately about our need to love ourself. This post is honest,its insightful, it shows your beauty.

  2. Thank You. So Much. You got what I was trying to express :)

  3. You are still the same gorgeous girl with the lovely big smile!

    1. That is very true! The smile is the same throughout, and really, what is nicer than a smile?

  4. Replies
    1. Thank You. So many posts this week have been touching :)

  5. you are gorgeous Janna - what an honest post, and lovely pics from memory lane.

  6. Beautiful post, really so great. It's a sobering reminder that we never see ourselves as we really are. Not really. So we might as well choose a great, empowering and special way to see ourselves. Glad to hear you're finding some clarity around something that has bothered you. Thanks for sharing. x

  7. Thank you for being so honest. Reading this, I could have been reading about myself. Only recently I was talking to a colleague about looking back and wishing I'd been kinder to myself...and actually realising that I can start now! Something we should all remember:
    Mandy x

  8. What a beautiful post - I can relate to your story so much. It brings tears to my eyes to look at photos of myself in my teens and early 20s... I gave up a healthier lifestyle because I thought there was no point, it was too late, I was already disgusting and fat so who cares. It's a hard road mentally and physically getting back to health xx